21 August 2013

nothing to say

dear readers of this blog (all dear dozen or so of you)...

you may have noticed that it's been quiet around here for a while now. like one new post in the past four months or so. (and that 'new' post being an 'old' poem i wrote ages ago.)

i'm sorry for not logging on here more often.

now is where i could (and should) articulate various reasons/excuses for my prolonged silence...
  • like having a full-time job that occupies most of my time and energy whilst living in two different time zones, in two different states of geography and being, in two different frames of reference...
  • or that i'm using what words i do have in my mind and heart to share with my community here in CA and with my family and close friends in long-distance communication...
  • or that i've gotten hooked on Mad Men and Louie and Portlandia and use all of my waking free-time watching back episodes on Netflix (after watching all four seasons of Arrested Development yet AGAIN)...
ALL of which, to some extent, are true.

but to be honest, the reason why i haven't provided many ramblings describing those random revealings of Spirit in the magnificence of the mundane is simple.

i've just had nothing to say.

(NOTE: this is not me...my eyes are still the same size and colour...
and this dude has hair)

now i am immediately noting the irony of using a space where i have said plenty (some would say too much) to share that i have 'nothing' to say. (i've just said about 240 words of 'something'.) and i must have 'something' to say now, or i wouldn't be wasting your time and mine jotting this down. (there are plenty of other folks happy to fill up space on the interwebs with...well, you fill in the 'blank' on that one.)

but as i recognize where my journey has taken me in more recent months (unexpectedly losing job and community and sense of calling and even self), i've come to a place where i've had to acknowledge and engage some issues and emotions that are deeply imbedded within my psyche and spirit.

the indicators in my life that reveal this reality are numerous...
  • crying while reading a poignant passage in a novel...or a memoir...or listings for an ear-and-nose hair remover in the Sky Mall magazine that i have all-but-memorized in all my flights back home over the past several months...
  • crying at a magical moment in a movie...or a song...or in the midst of a drum solo by my current favourite drummer, Eric Harland (blog post on that to come)...or in the middle of Kip Dynamite's love song to LaFawnda - 'WHYYYYYY do you love me?' - in 'Napoleon Dynamite'...
  • crying when i'm pondering the past...or questioning the present...or straining to decipher the future...or washing the same three dishes i use everyday...or vacuuming the house one of the two times per year i vacuum...or when i eventually fall asleep in the middle of the night...or when i awaken in the morning and can't remember where i am...or when i'm about to take my next breath...
in other words...crying at most everything that happens in life.

they say that our bodies will usually tell us what's really going on deep inside of us. eventually.

i'd say that crying at the 'drop of a hat' - and feeling like 'hats' are 'dropping' constantly all around me - qualifies as a reliable indicator of a storm that has been brewing within me for months now.

CONFESSION: i AM being a BIT hyperbolic in my description of my mental state above.

i am functioning well overall in my life (some might say a bit TOO well).

i am doing good work that is helpful for and appreciated by the community in which i currently live and move and have whatever form of 'being' i am exhibiting and experiencing.

i am staying present (as best as i can) to the people and moments in life that are most essential.

i am not truly 'crying at the drop of a hat'.

but you know that feeling when that seemingly infinite well of emotions is lurking just beneath the slim surface of your skin, and you never quite know what pinprick of life experience will puncture the opaque parchment that separates your rhythm of daily, active life from the roaring, rushing river of remorse or rage, the tumultuous torrent of terror that is threatening to flood out of you, wash over you, and drown you in an all-consuming cascade of confusion, cacophony and catastrophe, leaving you weightlessly and wordlessly gasping for breath?

(i'm sure you've said that to yourself MANY times before.)

okay, maybe you don't have a friggin' clue what i'm talking about.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've reached the point in my life where the feelings that are starting to surface as a result of recent events originate from a place within me that is so primal, it existed before i had expressive language.

hence, when contemplating where i find myself currently in my journey, i find that as i attempt to describe what is going on in my inner world, i am at a loss for words.

i have nothing to say.

for someone who makes a living listening to and working with and sharing words (and seeking to describe and even follow one who is described as a living Word), this is a bit surreal.

but then i remember that One who faced FAR greater betrayal, abandonment, rejection, condemnation, isolation and forsakenness in life...the living Word who was driven to a place in life where he was rendered speechless...and whose sacred silence spoke volumes of resounding, redemptive verse, and sang a neverending sonnet of transformative, life-saving and life-giving Love.

as the old spiritual says, when faced with the magnitude of mysterious misfortune and misery of the human race, in the weakness where true strength emerges and true Love casts out all fear...

'he never said a mumblin' word.'

and i'm reminded of the divine eloquence of Wisdom beyond words.

the lucidity of Love beyond language.

the hallowedness of Hope beyond hardship.

and i recognize that more often than not, in seasons of life such as these where i am tempted to rush around desperately seeking some sense of sanity and jump to presumptuous conclusions, it truly is best to simply sit down and shut up.

and listen to the silence.

and let whatever is in me flood out of me and wash all over me.

ands know that what feels like a drowning is actually a kind of 'crowning' into a kingdom of Love that flows deeper than fear and Hope that runs wider than despair.

well...i guess i did have 'something' to say after all.

it's not much...but it's enough...

for now.

and so, it's back to the 'nothing'...

for now.

thanks for reading.

peace to you all,